Obituary

Conor was born in Chicago and grew up in Chappaqua, New York. And yet he was not of this world. While words cannot come close to capturing Conor, his life, his meaning, they might bring you closer to knowing him. 

I could tell you of Conor’s many fearless adventures – ziplining above Costa Rica’s rainforest canopy, scuba diving through St. Thomas’ tunnels and arches, landing the plane at the end of his first flying lesson, racing his closest friends on the Saw Mill River Parkway – or of how effortlessly he skied and snowboarded after years of playing ice hockey, of his curious mind, broad knowledge, and enthusiasm for reading, of his freethinking spirit always up for a debate, of his love of movies and popcorn, playing video games with his friends (you know who you are, I think he would say), and angry chess with his best friend. 

Or I could tell you that Conor attended Quinnipiac University with an academic scholarship until he withdrew to consider a different path, that he had decided to return to college to study philosophy, that he wanted to write a book that would change the world.

I also could tell you that so much about Conor evoked a feeling – his (often subtle) humor, which sometimes left you wondering whether you had missed his joke (you probably had); his kindness, often hidden behind a toughness borne of the suffering he endured; his generosity, such as when he took parts from the first computer he built to build one for his brother as a birthday gift; how beautifully he played guitar; his wonderful laugh; how it felt to hear him say, “I love you, too.”

In the end though, Conor’s own words are the ones that capture the meaning of his life best of all. One of the most extraordinary things about Conor was how intentional he was about figuring out what he believed and who he wanted to be. Inspired by the poem of another about “living in deeds, not years, in thoughts, not breaths” (By English poet Philip James Bailey [1816-1902]), Conor wrote that life shouldn’t be measured in time, but by your impact on the lives of others. You will understand then why most of what I will share here is about what Conor came to believe by the end of his life here – because that has the greatest chance of impacting your life and of helping others, which he hoped to do through his writing. 

“I am a man lost in this world, and I will tell my story with the hope that another might be found.” J. Conor Vasey.

Conor wrote:

[Y]et it is from conscious effort, and from faith in something better than anything in this mortal realm that one may begin to heal. How does one take the first step though? How does a person who has been trodden upon for a lifetime decide to repay with kindness? The answer is faith. Not faith in a punitive being, as that’s never stopped anyone with a determination to be bad, but faith in love, faith that life can be fixed and that it can be worth living.

* * *

It is only through the will of God that I may truly find meaning, as no man’s will is meaningful. There is always a component of self-aggrandizement in altruism, and so I question whether it can be celebrated. No man is pious enough to act freely of their desire. Imprisoned we are by the idea of free will. Yes, some are more noble than others, but no man will take action without reward or hope thereof. ... Relegated are we to the endless pursuit of reward, tangible or not, enslaved by the pursuit of more. More money, more power, more honor, more fame, more love, more everything. Living in this way can never lead to satisfaction. Only through knowledge of beauty, divinity, and inner peace can this be achieved. So does God reside within? I believe that He does. But only through a conscious effort to observe will He become known. God lies in the very fabric of our perception, like a screen, invisible if you focus on what is beyond, but nevertheless there if you reign yourself in.

* * *

I believe I exist for a yet unknown reason. God sustains me almost against my will, but when it is clear, I will always put his above my own and anyone else’s. Though I believe myself to be protected and guided by The Lord, I defer too much action to him. To do God’s will, I must take action of my own accord, and this is difficult. I believe I am nearing a crossroads though and know I will make the right decision.

* * *

What must I do to find peace in this life? ... I need to change myself to find peace. My mind must become centered on God, his love, and his will if I am to succeed spiritually. ... I know that the answer to my life cannot rightfully come from hate. The boundless void in my heart can never be sated fully by something other than love, which I am greatly lacking in. I have found that my love has been misplaced on many past occasions, and nearly abandoned it because of the pain it has brought me, but endless, unconditional love can bring no pain, so it must be my guidestone. Once I am filled with an abundance of love, I will have the wherewithal to spread it to others and better the world. Before I can change the world, I must change myself.

In one of Conor’s last writings, he wrote of:

the love that I feel wash over me when my life is saved by a ‘coincidence’ that doesn’t seem to be one at all, but closer to concrete evidence of God’s plan for me. I can almost feel it as I write this. There is a purpose for me on this Earth and I will fulfill it!

I hope you can trust that Conor now lives within God’s love and peace. 
The righteous man perishes, and no one lays it to heart; devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from calamity; he enters into peace.
* * *
[H]e who takes refuge in me ... shall inherit my holy mountain. ... I will heal him; I will lead him and restore comfort to him and his mourners. Isaiah 57:1-2, 13, 18 (Bible, English Standard Version).

On Conor’s twenty-first birthday, his last, I shared this scripture with him, not knowing that it captured what he had already written and settled upon for his own life:
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2 (Bible, New King James Version).

Conor, you broke my heart open with an overwhelming love when you were born, changing me forever, and Dennis (Conor’s stepfather) has always loved you as his own son. We have loved you deeply and without limit, through joy and sorrow, and our love for you will never end. Rest in peace, joy, and love, knowing that you have both changed the world and overcome it. We love you and miss you so. Mom

I will close Conor’s story with these beautiful words, which seem a fitting answer to why his extraordinary thoughts about God and love should be known.

And many of those who sleep in the dust of the earth shall awake, some to everlasting life .... And those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the sky above; and those who turn many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever. Daniel 12:2-3 (Bible, ESV).

We thank God for giving us Conor, for His powerful love, and for being the light in our darkness, which the darkness cannot overcome (John 1:5; Bible, ESV). 

We are grateful for everyone who loved and supported Conor throughout his life, and for the family and friends who joined us in celebrating Conor’s life on June 17, 2022, at Larkspur Conservation in Westmoreland, Tennessee.

With love,

Laura Lynn Maines
July 21, 2024